Max Riffner

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Day Off

I took the day off today, since I was having trouble remembering the last time I took a “day off”. In the grand tradition of “day offs,” I will circumvent the usual question of “What did you do on your day off?!” with the usual list of silly mundane things I did in full HTML format. Lovely.

• 2:35 AM: Finally get up from sheet-soaking nightmare of fixing HTML Email Campaigns for Lotus Notes. Curse God for ever allowing anything but a text-only email to be sent to anyone while using one hand to lean against wall and other to handle the pee-firing mechanism (otherwise known as the penis).


• 6:50 AM: Wake up. Remember that I have the day off. Close eyes to Lotus Notes Welcome screen permanently embedded into back of eyeballs.


• 7:10 AM: Get up as Lotus Notes dreams come rushing back into conscious mind. Shake it off. Urinate again. Smell coffee; follow the smell. Start reading backlog of Wall Street Journals. Give up, start instead re-reading all 13 issues of The Ultimates. Enjoy.


• 8:36 AM: Wife is up, clean and beautiful. Ask her if she is still grumpy before she heads to work. Nods affirmatively after long pause. Remember it is “day off”. Ignore. Deal with later.


• 10:00 AM: Stretch for morning run. Urinate for what seems like 19th time (damn coffee). Walk outside. Walk back inside to change into something lighter.


• 10:42 AM: Feel Achilles tendon pop on 3rd mile. Double over quickly for massaging all while letting incomprehensible string of expletives fly. Watch young girl scooter by with scared yet quizzical look on face. Watch parents of girl pass with disgusted judgmental look on face. Expletives continue with condemnations of why scooter girl was not in school to counter-act judgmental look and self-loathing.


• 11:25 AM: After long hot shower, body feels better. Call Ben for lunch at California Taco and recommendation on first Miles Davis album.


• 1:00 PM: Finally make it onto Maple Street after waiting for 10 minutes on 90th Street. Late already for Cal Taco. Cal Taco demands justice for tardiness.


• 2:05 PM: Realize too late that I drank enough RC cola to give a golden shower to an elephant as I pull away from Cal Taco.


• 2:16 PM: Purchase first Miles Davis album – Kind of Blue. Lives up to hype. Must remember to thank Ben.


• 2:35 PM: Go to old neighborhood to visit Dragon’s Lair on shady rumor that Ande Park’s Union Station is available there. Finally find it buried under a Valiant Comics trade paperback. Tried to figure out why decade-defunct comics company’s trade paperback would be doing covering up new graphic novel. Give up. Leave.


• 2:40 PM: Make it back home. Urinate. Prepare cigar for smoking outside while reading Union Station and drinking giant glass of Jameson whiskey to mask pain and limping.


• 3:36 PM: Finish reading Union Station, prognosis: excellent. Jealousy is transparent.


• 4:06 PM: Finishing drink and cigar. Watch car park in middle of street. Skinny white gangsta boy exits driver’s seat rocking the frizz/fro to change places with hootchie-mama, apparently intent on learning to drive. Shed exactly one tear for future generation as girl drives off, nailing the gangsta creep her first time out. Unfortunately, it is in white boy’s mother’s beige Chevy Cavalier.


• 4:12 PM: Hear the question “Aw fuck, you wanna timeout, Timmy?” yelled by mother somewhere nearby. Hear Timmy start to cry. Chuckling to self begins.


• 4:24 PM: Settle down for nap to ring out the “day off,” which officially ends at 5:00 PM (where the weekend officially begins). Secretly hope wife comes home and attacks me kissy-monster style because she can’t resist cute sleeping Max on the couch.


• 5:00 PM: “Day off” is over. Kissy-monster has yet to make appearance. Remember rent check is due. Prepare for weekend by promptly stuffing face with Girl Scout Thin Mints. Go back to sleep.

So now you know.

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