Max Riffner

The Parlor

My weblog work journal.  »Archives  »Links

Dear Handicapped Person Recently Parked In Front Of My House

Hello! You don’t know me, handicapped person (which I surmised from your license plate), but you parked in front of my house last night! I came home from an errand around 9PM and I was sorry to have missed your arrival, as it seemed that you had a flat tire. I imagined you, knocking on my door for help and not finding any, therefore abandoning your car for the evening, maybe hoping that things would look better the next day.

Upon inspection of your car this morning, I noticed that it was not a flat tire that stopped your travels, but the lack of a tire at all! Gracious goodness! I thought perhaps that you took the tire off the car and maybe took it to a service station to be fixed, being the reasonable person you are. Alas, judging from the shrapnel of wheel hub metal and scraped concrete, I can only deduce that you in fact lost your wheel whilst driving, then proceeded to drive three blocks on nothing but your wheel hub until you settled upon stopping this insane course of action and park in front of my house. How on earth does one lose a wheel, I thought, then quickly realized that you must be handicapped in the head also, since I’m guessing you are one of those people who get a flat tire and replace it with the donut tire thinking that it is a suitable replacement for years of use instead of a way to get your vehicle to a service station immediately to have the real, big boy grown-up tire fixed and/or replaced. See, they tighten the bolts on with a machine (remember Days of Thunder, the guy who bolts the tire on with the lil gun that goes “WHIRRR!”), instead of by hand, which if you don’t do it hard enough, will get loose.

I do thank you for moving the car by this afternoon, but I wished that you had not left proof of your idiocy (i.e, the shredded remnants of your goddamn wheel hub) laying in my lawn. My only hope for you is that when natural selection inevitably takes its course and eliminates you from the gene pool that you are not surrounded by innocent people that you may accidentally take with you.

Also, while I’m pissed off: Coke, please redesign your Coke Zero cans, because everyone thinks I’m drinking beer at work in the morning. Wait, scratch that: Bud Select? Stop being made. You and your commercials are worthless.

And further: Ohio State and Michigan fans, guess the BCS worked after all, huh? Shut up now, please. That ass-beating that occurred on Monday night by the very able Florida team was impressive, so impressive that I’m kind of sad that it was the BCS Championship Game, because I would like the #1 and #2 teams to be more evenly matched.

You can also browse through the Parlor archives.