Max Riffner

The Parlor

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Door Buster

Last night, I really wanted to just come home and work on Quick Step, but instead, I journeyed deep into the realm of homeowner versus This Old House rather effectively.

So the other night, I came home from the bar. I parked my car in the garage, opened the door inside and realized as I was closing the door that the garage overhead light was still on. The Chief probably left it on when she got back from her bike ride, I thought. I grabbed the door knob to go back into the garage to double check, and the knob came off in my hand!

Of course, I fell on my ass.

So, last night, I went to the hardware store to get a new knob finally. This is not a difficult procedure if you’ve done it before. Take off old hardware, install new hardware = satisfaction. None for me. The original door knob was installed by my best estimates in 1959 when the house was built. Apparently, this was before doors came pre-drilled with knob holes, because you should see the hack job on this door. So, my 2005 standard hardware doesn’t fit my 1959 door.

Again, I don’t see this as a problem yet. Two words: hole saw.

So, I go back to the hardware store. I’m not sad or angry, because I know that I will purchase a hole saw. Practical people see that there are only so many two and three eighth inch sized holes you could drill in your lifetime. Not me. This will be a life time commitment of usage. I know I will feel safer with my manhood knowing that this hole saw exists in my basement… just because.

I arrive back home with the hole saw. I don’t even bother to go back upstairs and say hello to the Chief and Quincy. I rip into the packaging and attach the pilot bit to my cordless drill, then slowly slide the hole saw into place. I get ready to let loose a yelp of rebel victory as I prepare to drill holes (my new primary function) over the previous hack job.

One problem I didn’t think of though: in order for the hole saw to become engaged, the pilot drill needs to be drilling. My face dropped as I let my pilot bit chew threw air, watching the hole saw not moving at all. Frustrated, I thought about just drilling a giant peep hole through the door at eye level (my hole drilling must be satisfied!), but thought better of it when I remembered the Chief’s vicious scorning abilities.

So, it may be time to go buy a new door for my new hardware. The old door better watch its ass, the hole saw demands sawdust satisfaction…

The night wasn’t a total wash. I got back upstairs and put together the Quick Step Archive. Now you can read the whole thing at your leisure and not worry about missing a week, all for the low price of 25 cents. That give you access to the Archive for a year. Just sign into your BitPass account when you return and click on the “Read it Now!” link.

You can also browse through the Parlor archives.