Max Riffner

The Parlor

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Homeowner Chronicles

A truly marvelous and stunning transformation is happening within me. I’m becoming an adult! Prove it, you say?! Let me present you with the evidence:

Normal Weekend 2003

1. Wake up hung over.
2. Watch cartoons.
3. Read comics.
4. Draw Golden Boy pages.
5. Eat, drink, and do the same thing Sunday, except with newspapers and coffee.

The New Deal

1. Woke up Saturday, finished new Golden Boy site
2. Broke down all the boxes in the garage. Tired of not parking in garage.
3. Swept the garage.
4. Sat outside and smoked a cigar in the garage, enjoying its cleanliness and satisfied with a job well done.
5. Next morning, drop mower down a half inch to mulch leaves and get a closer cut since growth is negligible at this time of year.
6. Grab spreader from my dad; throw down winterizer.
7. Water the winterizer in.
8. Seal cracks in the mortar of the bricks in front of the house.
9. Sweep the garage again (damn leaves coming in while the door is up).
10. Sweep up entire driveway.
11. Struck with realization that no adult parental figure told me to do any of these tasks. I did them willingly and instinctually.

That last bit really startled me. College and apartment life has started to feel like I was on a vacation, because when I was a teenager, I did all of these homeowner tasks and more. I would try to get out of them, but in the end, I always did these chores.

A few months ago, an old co-worker was telling us how the mid-20s couple across the street from him make their parents do all the yard work, never having done it themselves and being first-time homeowners. We all remarked how that seems to be a trend among our age group. Didn’t their parents make them chop down trees (hung over – thanks for that one, Dad), pick up frozen dog crap, mow, trim, edge, fertilize, clean the gutters (in the rain), or till a garden by hand? Anything? Didn’t they know that their progeny would one day grow up and have to work if they own a house?

Regardless, though I was exhausted afterwards, I felt great as I surveyed my lawn from my clean garage. It is all worth it when you actually own the home you are working on. Who’d a thunk it?

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