Max Riffner

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The 'Everybody Poops' Theory

Some of you out there have been wanting me to post some pictures of my “condition.” Some of you don’t have a clue as to what I am talking about. For the last 8 years or so, I’ve had a small little cyst on my neck; no big deal, until it somehow became infected last week. My neck and face at its worst point were indistinguishable with a disappearing jawline. The cyst itself is a big red bump, about the size of half-dollar and protruding out a good half-inch. Despite the pleadings of a few sick individuals out there, I don’t think I will be posting pictures of this.

The doctor wouldn’t cut me open and take it out Friday; it would have been “too messy.” So this Thursday, I’ll have the thing removed, and then they’ll do a biopsy on it to see if it is cancerous or not. The infection is making me feel achy and tired like I have the flu, but the antibiotics they’ve given me are slowly working and bringing the thing down to a normal size.

Really, what the fascinating thing is how people react to it. How do you defuse a slightly embarrassing problem? You make fun of it! And that is what I’ve been doing. I joke about it, and you can tell it puts people at ease instantly. This morning, I got a “Oh, I didn’t want to say anything…” and then the person went on to share how they had terrible boils as a kid. Someone else told me of another embarrassing skin condition on their scalp. One of the guys at work had the same problem with a cyst (although it didn’t swell up like mine). When my own father gets one on his bald scalp, he says he is growing a horn (which cracks me up).

It just proves my theory of “everybody poops,” well, because everyone does. Everyone has health problems, some embarrassing, and it is silly to pretend otherwise. And by sharing my problem, people feel compelled to tell me theirs, which I just love. To me, that is a beautiful thing.

The only real scary thing about all of this (getting back to my father), is that it could be cancerous (albeit in rare cases). Hopefully it isn’t, but skin cancer runs in my family, and I was hoping to dodge that genetic bullet. However, out of all the different types of cancer, skin cancer is one that seems to be easily treatable and preventable by the removal of cysts and moles when they change and by staying out of the sun (which I do). So I don’t want to make a big issue out of this, but at the same time, this weekend has been a big dose of reality concerning my health in general. Time to stop screwing around.

Thanks to everyone for your best wishes!

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