Max Riffner

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Wanker Pants

I’ll be in Jamaica next week for my brother’s wedding. The realization hit me last week that perhaps I should get off my ass and do some shopping, since jeans in Jamaica probably won’t be comfortable.

Have you seen people walking around in the Midwest wearing loud tropical shirts non-ironically? Do you think to yourself “what the hell you thinkin’?” I think all bets are off when you actually go to the Caribbean. I decided this is my one chance to dress like a complete asshole and get away with it.

It is difficult to shop for this sort of look when you’ve been repulsed by it your whole life. I ran the danger of looking like a retired golf pro or Tony Soprano. Either way, out of my age range.

Thankfully I met with some success. My outfit for the wedding will be a red silk shirt, loafers (no socks), and these white pants I got last night. These white pants, well, I’m pretty sure I’ll only wear them this one time. Being thin, cotton, and white, I’m sure I can’t wear these in Omaha without laughter following me wherever I go.

Me and my wanker pants will have a good time though, smoking cigars and drinking the demon rum.

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